EASY tool to calm an overwhelmed child
A few weeks ago, my 5yo fell and lacerated his forehead (he needed 6 stitches).
He was understandably freaked out and once the initial shock and fear wore off, our emergency room visit went surprisingly smoothly.
I credit this simple “box breathing” technique, which is something I’ve worked on teaching my children for the past several years (we started with my oldest when she was 3.5y).
This technique is also used by NAVY Seals to help calm them down so they can think more clearly through stressful moment. It is also very easy to teach. To watch a video, check out today’s instagram post!
And for more of my favorite mindfulness, separation anxiety and other resources for children, check out my faves page.
Belly breathing
Belly breathing (or diaphragmatic breathing) has been shown to effectively help adults & kids during moments of overwhelm. Even a few weeks of practice can significantly decrease anxiety, improve depression and PTSD symptoms, lower blood pressure and even decrease blood cortisol levels. Using yogic breathing techniques like this can also improve attention and focus, and help with insomnia (PMID: 27553981, 16955451, 20414803, 28626434, 23538082).
Although most research has been done in adults, there is no reason to believe that these effects would be dissimilar in children, and this is certainly a low-risk, potentially high-reward technique to incorporate into your child’s life.
How does it work?
Breathing techniques like box breathing (which is just one approach) work primarily by redirecting our innate fight or flight response.
When you are stressed, the sympathetic system kicks into gear. This triggers a few physiologic changes: your breathing and heart rate become faster, your body releases cortisol and adrenaline, your blood pressure rises — all in preparation to tackle the stressor.
Incorporating a breathing technique forces some of these physiologic changes to alter - instead of breathing rapidly, you start taking long, slow, deep breaths, countering the sympathetic response (and activating the opposite system, the parasympathetic nervous system). It is an easy, effective way to regulate vital signs, clear the mind and re-center.
The “box” breathing technique
There are many different yogic breathing techniques. I use the “box” breathing technique because it is very simple and easy to remember, which makes it a great go-to for pediatric patients. Ideally, you will want to be in a relaxed seated or laying down position, but its easy to incorporate it even in the car, or on the go.
Breathe in slowly through your nose to a count of 4.
Hold your breath for 4 seconds.
Breathe out slowly to a count of 4.
To “close” the box with my kids, we sometimes count to 4 before repeating again.
When I practice it with my kids, I actually draw the outline of a box to help them (see the video on today’s instagram post if you want an example).
For younger children
For younger children, or those who need a less abstract way to learn, the following techniques are alternates that can also work well. The first is my favorite, and it is what we used with my daughter when she was 3y (its a great bedtime strategy!)
The stuffy technique: Have your child put their favorite stuffy on their belly. As they breathe in, the stuffy gets pushed up - and then they breathe out and bring the animal down. This encourages nice, deep, slow breaths that fill the lungs.
The tissue technique: Hold out a tissue by the corner in front of your child’s face, and have them make it blow in the “wind”. Gradually move it further and further away so they need to tape deeper breaths and blow out more completely.
The candle technique: Light a birthday candle and then have your child take a deep breath and try to blow out the candle. The key here is to put the candle at a safe distance so they have to exhale with some enthusiasm. Don’t leave them unattended with the candle!
The cotton ball technique: Have your child place a cotton ball (or even a feature) on the table in front of them. Have them breathe in and then blow out to a count of 4, trying to see how far they can move the cotton ball. You can even do races to see whose cotton ball moves further!
Pro tips
Start when your child is not overwhelmed. None of us learns well in moments of frustration or stress, so your child’s openness to learning this skill will be higher when they’re calm or happy.
Try at bedtime. If your child is anything like mine, they’ll be excited for a new activity that might delay bedtime - and there is good data that these breathing techniques can help with insomnia, so getting into the routine a few rounds of box breathing together at bedtime can be a good bonding experience and a nice way to practice the skill.
Remember: at first, your only goal is just to teach the skill. Practice, model, make it fun by drawing the outline of a box. For younger toddlers, you may have to do it as 2-counts initially, and to count for them.
Once they have mastered the actual box breathing technique, your next goal is to help them identify moments where the skill may help. Don’t be surprised or frustrated if your child is frequently too upset or overwhelmed in those moments to use the technique at first. THAT IS NORMAL. The good news is that once they have some of the muscle memory that comes with practicing diaphragmatic breathing, as they get older they’ll be able to do it with more ease.
Model, model, model. Children often learn best when they see us do something, or incorporate a technique. Do this with them, and be very open about moments when you’ve used techniques like this to help with overwhelm in your own life. Real life examples always reinforce this type of learning better than abstract concepts.
Some final thoughts
The box breathing technique WORKS. My oldest, now 8y, has told me more than once that she’s used the box breathing technique to help herself fall asleep, when she has felt anxious about new activities, and even once before a performance when she was nervous.
Finally, I think it’s important to start early. When our children are younger, they are often more willing to hear what we have to say or teach them. If you can, work on this technique before your child is a teen or a tween, so that they’ve cemented the technique early. BUT even adults can learn this technique, so if you have older children, it is still worth a try (may also be helpful for yourself during the moment your child is having tantrums!)
