Talking to kids about tragedy: 5 tips

How do we talk to our children about school shootings, and other tragedies?

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Especially if you’re reeling yourself, it can be hard to figure out what is and is not appropriate to share with your child. Here are some tips based on your child’s age.

Senseless tragedies

I admit today that I’m struggling. I wish I could say that school shootings and other tragedies were a rarity. Unfortunately, all the data points the other way. I hate writing these posts, and I hate feeling helpless to protect my children in the face of clear data.

After I read yesterday’s news about what happened in Uvalde, I also felt a little lost about how to approach a conversation with my children.

But I also knew that at least my oldest would hear about it at school, and I wanted to be able to measured information and context for her beforehand.

5 tips to help parents talk with their children about tragedies

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Sit down

As a physician who has had to have tough and emotional conversations, sitting down is one of the most helpful tricks in my arsenal.

It allows you to be at eye level, to provide context that this is an important topic that needs attention, and to signal that you have both the space and the time for your child’s questions and reactions.

Avoid oversharing. Follow their lead.

Pick the right time to talk. After school, and right before bedtime are not great times in our house (probably true of most parents and kids). Ask what they know and answer questions, but in developmentally appropriate ways.

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Preschoolers do not have the ability to understand events like this in an abstract way. Keep the information simple, and focus on the helpers (as Mr Rogers would say).

Elementary school aged children (esp under 8 years) think quite concretely and may have a hard time comprehending an event that is abstract or far away. It is developmentally appropriate for them to focus on themselves/their family, how things might change for them, and what the news might mean in their lives. This does not mean they are lacking in compassion.

Older children and tweens will likely have more nuanced questions about “right” and “wrong” but as you answer them it is still important to keep their developmental stage in mind. They also may want more specific information about the plans that are in place at their own schools.

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Teenagers often have more unfiltered access to media, but may not have the ability to filter out sensationalist information. You want to pro-actively provide opportunity and space to have an open discussion and to provide context.

Stay calm, and check in with feelings

It is ok (and probably important) for your children to understand that these events are upsetting for you, too, and this is a good chance to model ways to handle those feelings.

In our house, we actually talk about mindfulness and breathing a whole lot using these specific mindfulness cards.

If your child gets distracted, stops talking, turns their attention elsewhere - this may be their way of indicating their mental space for the conversation is full. Respect that signal.

Most importantly: Remind them they’re safe

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If your child says they dont feel safe at school, ask them what makes them feel unsafe and validate it, but provide reassurance that their school and the adults in their lives have plans in place to do everything they can to keep them safe.

Limit the media

I also want to highlight the importance of limiting unfiltered access to the media at this time. Many news channels have repetitive coverage in a bid for viewership. Younger children especially may get confused and think events are happening over and over. Try to make sure anything they come across is measured, limited, and not too graphic.

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It is important to remember that these conversations are not a “one and done” type event. Check in frequently over the coming days and weeks. Monitor for preoccupation about these events as a sign of anxiety.

As always, call your pediatrician if you’re concerned!