Separation anxiety tips for the start of school

There is a lot that is exciting about the stat of the school year.

And yet, even for children who’ve been in school before, there is also often a good deal of anxiety. Adjusting from the fun, family time and lack of structure of the summer is hard for everyone. And some anxiety when thinking about an impending separation is totally normal.

This post will go over some separation anxiety techniques for children. BUT I think in our discussions of separation anxiety, we often overlook the feeling of anxiety and apprehension that parents experience when their kids are starting school (especially here in the US). So this post will also talk through some practical strategies that parents can use through this time.

5 strategies to help kids with separation anxiety at the start of school (or daycare)

Expect some separation anxiety and an adjustment period at the start of every school semester. And keep in mind that your child experiencing this type of feeling does not mean they don’t like school, or they won’t succeed.

1. Routines

My kids (and truthfully most kids) do best when they know what to expect. Uncertainty often breeds anxiety. In the lead-up to school starting, discuss the morning routine ahead of time, and try to be consistent about the order in which you do things. Younger children might like a visual calendar or checklist to help them through the morning routine.

2. Saying goodbye

It is very tempting to drop your child off (especially if they’re going to daycare) and sneak out, but I urge you not to do this. The temptation arises from your fear of your child experiencing sadness at your leaving. But kids are smart - just because you didn’t see it doesn’t mean your child didn’t experience the sadness. In some ways, it is unavoidable.

The best way to approach separation is using a consistent and short goodbye routine. This signals the impending separation, and prevents clinging and lingering. Keep it short and sweet.

We use the “10-second hug” as our ritual, and allow our kids to count to 10 as fast or as slow as they’d like before the separation.

3. Validate feelings

At the start of anything new (even fun things), many people - including grown-ups - experience apprehension. Tell your child about this, and help them sit with that feeling without succumbing to the urge to “fix” it. Just let them experience the feelings in a safe space.

4. Stay positive

What are some of the perks of being back in school? From hanging with (or making) new friends, to returning to sports and other fun activities, to being on the playground, focus on what is positive about this transition. And do your best not to transmit your own anxiety about your child starting a new adventure (this is easier said than done!) Children often take their emotional cues about new situations from the grown ups in their circle.

5. Social stories

Especially for children who are beginning daycare or school for the first time, having concrete examples and stories can be very helpful for them to understand what to expect. Luckily, there are many great books out there (see my Amazon page here for my recommendations).

The Pediatrician Mom Bonus tip: We have created a tradition of “pancakes and ice cream” for dinner on the first and last days of school. It gives the kids something exciting to look forward to throughout the stressors of the day and it is my hope that it will create some core memories for the future!

What about parents? How do I navigate my own anxiety about my child starting school?

First, you give yourself grace. After the past 2 years, and seeing much of what is often in the news here in the US, it is no wonder that you might feel nervous sending your child off into a new environment. We all feel the same.

Here are some other tips that have helped me as a parent when my child starts school each year.

1. Be prepared

Anyone who has read this blog for longer than 2 minutes probably has picked up my Type A personality. I simply feel more comfortable when I’m prepared and know what to expect (the apples, in our case, didn’t fall far from the tree). In this particular situation, ways to be prepared include:

• Logistics: think through the day-to-day routines, but recognize that you may need to pivot and adjust. If they’re starting a new school, you might feel more comfortable after doing a dry run of the carpool lane, or talking to other parents who already send their children to the school.

  • I also prepare my children’s lunches the day before - and as they’re getting older, I’m involving them more in doing it themselves.

  • Some of my patients choose to dress their children in the next day’s clothes for bed (instead of pajamas). It is often these small adjustments that can ease pressure in the morning.

• Mentally: Know that the first few drop-offs & afternoons might be rough - this is normal. Anticipating it may help you prepare to handle it smoothly!

2. Ease in some structure

Cold turkey changes are always harder. More gradual changes (eg getting back to a structured bedtime routine ahead of time) or practicing waking up earlier may help you and your kids! If you can, start a few days ahead of time.

3. Special time

Having your child go off to school for the very first time — or maybe simply after a fun-filled summer — can be bittersweet. It feels like the end of a chapter, but it is also the beginning of a new one.

As school approaches, I find that my mindset shifts to to-do lists. They make me distracted, and I don’t always take the time to shut out the noise and simply focus on time with my child. Carving out even an hour to do something different - go for a hike, try a new playground, get ice cream - can help you and your child feel connected. It also provides opportunity for discussion about any back-to-school fears your child may have.

4. Be positive!

Yes, there are benefits to school for your child, but there are also benefits to you. More time & space to get things done, or to finally finish your coffee in one sitting.

Make plans with a friend during the first week if you worry you'll miss your kids too much!

Some final thoughts

Give yourself and your child grace as you think about this new stage. It may be the end of one chapter, but it is the start of another, and there is great beauty in that.

Two more helpful posts to check out:

This one reviews a simple, easy-to-remember mindfulness strategy that has helped my children with anxiety (Bonus: it also works for parents).

And this post goes over another common experience that usually accompanies the start of the school year: the after school meltdown.