When you’re not the “favorite” parent…
“I only want daddy! Go away!"”
Odds are, you’ve probably heard this a few times.
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It can be incredibly hurtful if your child suddenly tells you they don’t want you and only want their other parent (or nanny, or grandparent). Suddenly, they throw tantrums and refuse to cooperate with the non-favored parent, and it can trigger a whole host of hurt feelings and guilt.
Parent favoritism
Parent favoritism can make you feel like you’re a “bad” parent. So I’m here to tell you that going through spurts of having a favorite is not only normal for your child, it is APPROPRIATE.
It is natural to have favorites, and especially beginning around age 2-3 years, toddlers start to exhibit preferences across a myriad of things: foods, cups/plates, activities, clothes, and so much more.
In fact, the act of recognizing or communicating those very human preferences is actually a milestone for toddlers. They’re trying to exercise control over their environment.
But it is not just toddlers. Having a favorite parent can occur at any age - infants, school-children, and even teenagers will go through cycles and their favorite caregiver may change over time.
The most important thing to keep in mind
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Remember that parental favoritism and love are not the same.
Very often, children feel more connected with a specific parent at a specific stage because they identify with them, or have shared an interest, or because of time spent (either they parent has been around a little more, or they have been around less and they’ve been missed… could go either way).
But it DOES NOT MEAN that they don’t love or appreciate the non-favorite parent.
What if you’re the favorite?
I find that because I’m around more, I sometimes fall into the role of disciplinarian more than my husband. This is because I’m usually the one who is trying to make sure they’re eating, sleeping, and getting places on time.
I’m also often more overwhelmed by tasks and to-do lists. Its easier to get frustrated and impatient. I don’t always have the opportunity to be the “fun” parent and I have had periods of time when I have become frustrated with my husband for this.
But — as with all things — communication and teamwork have been the solution.
If you’re the favorite parent: try to create situations where the non-favorite parent gets to do some fun activities and connect with the child. Be the limit-setter and allow them not to play that role. Hype up your partner. Avoid swooping in to “rescue” the situation. And reassure your partner that the favoritism is very likely temporary, and is not a reflection at all on their parenting skills.
What if you’re not the favorite?
Don’t take it personally: Take a deep breath. Remember, this is common and it doesn't mean you are a "bad" parent. Children learning that different parents have different things to offer, and feeling safe expressing their preferences is a sign of cognitive growth and secure attachment.
Show you’re listening. Validate your child’s feelings."I know, it is so much fun when daddy puts you to bed. Today it is mommy's turn, but daddy will be back tomorrow!" Regardless of age, we all need to be heard, and knowing that we have been can go a long way to helping work through big feelings.
Skip the emotional manipulation: “It hurts mommy’s feelings when you say that” may be how you feel, but it isn’t what your child needs to hear. Our job is to teach our children emotional regulation and provide a safe space for their feelings, not to make them the guard keeper of our emotions.
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Seek connection. Be silly. Carve out some one-on-one time with each child. This doesn’t have to be anything big - 10 minutes to take a walk or play a game of their choice can be enough. I personally have found this tough when I've been the non-favorite parent, because I feel a little resentful and hurt. But connecting and actually being playful and silly helps reset the connection and provide perspective in a way that is always valuable.
Strike a balance. Ideally, you should avoid the good cop/bad cop approach. Both parents need time to be the "fun" parent, and both parents need to play the role of limit setter and disciplinarian sometimes too. The best way to do this is to talk about it with your partner and make sure you’re on the same page in the way you approach things. This can be especially hard if parents are sharing custody, but trying to set aside your personal feelings and creating a united front is the right thing for your child.
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Take turns. In our house, when possible, we take turns doing bedtime. If both parents are around, we alternate - and the routine is helpful, because the kids know what to expect. Do they sometimes push against it? Sure! But it allows us both the chance to spend some time with them. It may not be possible in every household. But switching off even on weekends gives each parent time with the kids, and each parent a break too.
Stay the course. Don’t give in. It can be very tempting to throw your hands up and say “Fine! Daddy will do it” and walk away. Tantrums are triggering and this is a good way to make the tantrum stop. But in the long run, this doesn't help your child, and it continues to build resentment and hurt feelings.
See the positives. Knowing your child feels safe with your partner is actually really reassuring. It means you can take a break, ideally guilt-free, and there is tremendous value to that.
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