The after school melt-down
If your child has been to school before, chances are you’re familiar with the After-School Meltdown.
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Believe it or not, this phenomenon actually is so common it actually has a name: restraint collapse. Here are some tips for how to handle it like a pro.
What is restraint collapse?
Lets set the scene. You pick up your child from school (or the bus stop) and they are smiling. They get into the car and BOOM! They’re upset about something.
The feelings are BIG.
Their baseline resilience seems to be gone, and they are tired and dysregulated.
Restraint collapse is most common during transitions back to school. It happens because your child has held things together for hours: following rules, controlling impulses, and sitting (relatively) still. It is a lot. They have been using their self-regulation skills and have used them up.
So when they get home — when they are back in a safe space — they can let down their guard. They don’t have to continue to self-regulate, and they meltdown.
Can you see this in toddlers?
Yes. In a younger toddler, this may manifest as more clinginess, or difficulty transitioning from activity to activity throughout the evening. It can also lead to more challenging bedtimes in all ages.
So what can you do?
It is worth keeping in mind that the big feelings your child is experiencing are not tantrums.
Pushing and punishing won’t work here. These meltdowns are a result of overwhelm, and what your child needs is to feel safe expressing their emotions.
They need to feel connected, and they need a relief from pressure.
If your older child is prone to restraint collapse, it can be helpful to talk about it at a time far removed from when it happens (eg. over a weekend). Talk about why it happens, how it can feel, and remind them that these are normal feelings. As an adult, I know I’ve felt the same exhaustion and overwhelm after a long or hard day at work - talking about how even grownups experience these feelings can truly help normalize them.
It also provides an opportunity to talk about how to deal with them. you can start working on mindfulness techniques even at a young age - these are a great tool for your child to carry with them throughout the day.
Check out my “Faves” page for my favorite resources for teaching mindfulness to kids.
Rituals help connection
My daughter and I began a ritual last year: milk and cookies.
Every day, when she got home, I had milk and cookies waiting. We sat and snacked together, and sometimes we talked. Sometimes we just hung out. Her siblings weren’t around, usually, and even just 10 minutes of one-on-one time often set us up for a better - more connected - rest of the day.
Other tips
When to call the pediatrician
In general, restraint collapse improves within a few weeks after starting school. If you find that your child is continuing to struggle, or you begin to worry about anxiety related to school or separation, reaching out to your pediatrician is never wrong.
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